How would you describe the moment you first saw your baby or the first time you held your baby in your arms. The most joyous moment of your life, a feeling of elation that is indescribable or a feeling of dread and anxiety for the unforeseen future that lies ahead of you.
Both your emotions are ok and acceptable. You have literally willed into tearing your body apart to bring a human life into this world. Its ok to feel joy for that feat or a feel fear for what is yet to come. You are allowed to feel what you want, no matter whether the people around you judge you for it or not.
The societal pressures of needing to feel and emote a certain way, are unacceptable. So know, that it is the people around us that need to evolve and not you. Your are allowed to take your time to heal and embrace motherhood in your own time. And trust me it will come to you instinctively, just the timing may differ from mother to mother.
My daughters are now 9 and 6. I am not choosing to talk about it now, I have been vocal about it for ions but never got around to penning it down. However, I definitely wasn’t comfortable talking about it when I was going through it. Yes, I felt the societal pressure and the familial pressure but also I wasn’t quite able to identify what I was going through. Mind you, I knew about postpartum but when it actually encroached its way into my life, I felt clueless.
I was just constantly engulfed by the WHY of it all. The mystery and shame of it, made it difficult for me to voice myself. Possibly, even the lack of reading sources back then or lack of support groups for mental inabilities of this nature. Note that I am not calling it an illness because I don't see it as one. It is a natural passing emotion that will take its time to go. But it will go, sooner or later.
Don’t get caught up in the WHY like I did. Feel what you need to feel. Talk to people you want to talk to, be it at therapist or your friends, your family - you choose. If you don’t tell you story, it will just linger on, hang there right on your shoulder, eventually causing you literal physical discomfort. De-power it. Don’t let it nibble on your soul, piece by piece.
I didn’t know who to go to. I felt ashamed of feeling a constant dread of how I would look after this little human now, that has chosen my home. Will I manage to do a decent job or not. Will I make the right decisions for her or not. Another feeling that made me feel sheepish and even guilty was the consequence of now needing to share my husband’s time. The clock would tick to 7 pm and I would start feeling this sense of insecurity piercing its way through my chest. It felt so physical that I felt the need to use my fist to press on it for the feeling to go away. The feeling of panic that my husband will walk through the door at anytime but he wouldn’t look at me or share his first smile with me but with the little human next to me. I possibly wouldn’t get his first kiss but the little human next to me would. It felt awful to feel this way but I felt just as helpless and out of control. I couldn’t even bring myself to share these feelings with my husband. My high school sweetheart that I have known since I was 16, my best friend who I can talk to about anything under the sun. I felt so petty and small for thinking this way that I couldn’t bear to share it with anyone for fear of judgement.
And then to top it off, my inability to be able to breast feed my baby added to the overflowing emotions. My tormentous journey with sore nipples, attempting usage of nipple shield, sitting with the pump for ardously long hours as there was barely anything there, being ashamed to share my inability to feed with the people around me just kept piling on and on, till I succumbed under the weight of it all.
I even remember my jhappa (nanny) telling me that I am such an unfortunate mother to have been unable to provide my child with her basic food needs. I still get the shivers thinking about how I made it through. If I had someone to guide me and tell me that my guilt was unnecessary, it would have helped me sail through. The paucity of people around that could show me the path to the light at the end of the tunnel made me feel alone, desperate and sad. Just purely sad, a sadness within that I couldn’t share with anyone. I felt alone in room full of people sharing my alleged joy that I never even felt.
Poof ! The memories of these overloaded emotions gave me the heebie jeebies. But I finally knew better. The realisation of it being postpartum, dawned on me when my daughter was 2. It had taken me 6 months after delivery to recover but the awareness came to me 2 years later.
Prior to the birth of my second daughter, I decided to make a conscious effort to accept the fact that it was ok if I am unable to feed and there is no harm declaring to the people around that my baby is exclusively on formula milk.
I identified every single trigger that made me feel disturbed, anxious during my first time and thought of solutions that would make me feel calmer. I also accepted the fact that if I still feel overwhelmed, I will talk to my husband and if needed, to a professional. I also surrendered to the fact that we cannot possibly insulate ourselves from every single thing life throws at us and sometimes we just have to take each day at a time.
Fortunately, for me, my own tips and tricks helped me and I sailed through it the second time.
Others may not be as lucky as me each time. But find comfort in the fact that this feeling passes. Know that now there are new moms and support groups that you can approach. There are professionals that will show you the way forward.
Surprisingly though, I still feel that there is a dearth of gynaecologists that try to spread awareness about this amongst its patients and to enquire about how the mothers are actually feeling during their post delivery phase. The need to make sure that there is a separate conversation with the mothers about their well-being aside from the health and progress of the baby is still something that is uncommon.
Mothers need to be prepped and forewarned to look out for these symptoms.
It is ok to not be ok !! You will bounce back in your own time. You cannot run the clock of your life on somebody else’s time. Your time is unique to you. You will pace through the milestones of your life in your own time. A time that is right for you.